DANGER: RISKY POST AHEAD
Christy inspired me to write a bit about myself and reflect on how I am different from when she knew me well.
LGHS and Undergrad:
My late teens and early twenties were much the same, so I will discuss them together. I was, of course, raised in rural Polk County, FL. There, I learned that the world was in black and white. Absolutes prevail. Right? I sure thought so. I was confident in what I believed would save me from my evil self. Since my childhood and adolescence was pretty... dark (I suppose), thanks to the death of my mother and other family and social challenges, I really counted on my strict religion and "faith" (actually, most of it was dogmatic legalism) to find my self worth and elevate myself above others. This pattern of external validation continued for a long time, including into my Florida marriage (which began when I was 23).
After that:
Around 24 or 25, while I was in grad school working on my MS, my inability to use my will to control what happened in my life became more and more evident. I flailed madly, trying desperately to make things work on many levels; trying to be a good husband, grad student, "christian man," etc. I put a huge amount of pressure on myself (and had some help from a lot of other people) to keep everything going "the way it should." That didn't work for very long.
The Break:
In 2002, I experienced a pretty big life crisis, I guess. In the course of a year or so, I had to accept a lot of things about me and my marriage and religion and my family and... The list continues. I faced what had been building my entire life. I broke under the weight of it all. I punished myself for letting me down. It was ugly. Things had to change if I was going to be healthy.
Rebuilding:
After the break, I entered a healing period, during which my then-wife and I faced the facts and decided to go our own ways (we had already done it emotionally years before that). During my "rebuilding" bachelor phase, I finished my PhD and moved to Chicago, where I continued to rebuild and bach for a couple of years, gaining strength and self confidence (thanks to therapy). I suppose it was also a time of "de-programming" and learning to live outside of the dysfunction I had created in concert with my religious and social background. Learning to be healthy again. It took.
Now:
About a year ago, I got married to a wonderful woman from the Chicago area. She gets me. It's Ok that I'm who I am. I am much more world wise and much less willing to try to force things to go the way that I (or anyone else) thinks that they should. I do what I think is right, and I live ethically. I enjoy my work in Neuroscience, and I hope to have a career as tenure-track faculty somewhere. I will be a father very very soon (which is very exciting!). This will change things, too, and I welcome it, even though I used to fear change.
In the last few years, I have begun to feel that I have a new chance to live my life. I try to live day to day, without imposing too many plans for the future (aside from planning for retirement and whatnot). As far as religion: well, I am certainly not a christian (Kathy, my wife, is, although her Lutheranism is quite different from what I had constructed as Christianity, which was a fusion of Southern Baptist, AOG, Non-denom Megachurch-ism, Methodism, and who knows what else). God? I don't think that there is one (for many many reasons), but I certainly can't be positive, which makes me an agnostic. I love to read Buddhist and Taoist texts and I practice Zen meditation, although I am not a strict adherent of Zen (I like beer). In short, I take care of my mind, body, and spirit in ways that work for me. I am most interested in persuing social justice, equality, and personal health.
I am very excited about my future. Things are going very well for me, and, most importantly, I am much much more healthy in every way. I will see where this journey takes me, and I will enjoy the things that I think are important without trying to force things. I am already living this way, although I still face struggles from time to time when "old Joe" shows up. Those times are becoming fewer, though.
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Well there it is. I have avoided divulging this information for a while because I wasn't sure whether I would be accepted. I have finally conquered that small fear, though, and I am willing to just be who I am despite the risks.
5 comments:
It's always risky to share what you really think - especially about religion! It takes a lot of guts to put your thoughts out there. I hope I can help you put some of that small fear to rest - our differences certainly wouldn't make me run the other way...er...or quit reading your blog (I don't like to run). I usually have some fear about telling people that I'm a Christian, really. I don't want to be lumped in with the rest of 'em - you know, I don't want to be judged, so I try not to judge either.
I don't know about you, but I like to be around people whose beliefs and practices are different from mine. It keeps me on my toes.
I'm so interested about the fact that your wife is a Lutheran. I have a very impressive Lutheran pedigree :) My own church background is pretty varied, but most of my mom's brothers, uncles, great-uncles, etc., are Lutheran pastors! We were the black sheep.
Parenting will bring many more changes, as you are already aware. Raising kids has been quite a journey for me so far. Sounds like you're ready for whatever, though :)
Glad you read it, Christy. I'm not embarassed about who I am, but sometimes it a bit difficult to challenge "old friends" with the new truth. I'm always glad when they handle it well, and a little sad when they don't (actually, most have handled it quite well).
Lutheranism: I didn't realize until the last couple of years, but I am also from deep lutheran roots on my mother' side (German immigrants to the Dakotas and Wisconsin). K says I came home to Lutheranism. :-) I do go to church with her on special occasions, and I enjoy it (mostly). I know that our child will be raised Lutheran (ELCA). That's OK by me. She'll learn early that not everyone thinks the same or makes the same life choices, and that that's OK.
She? Are you having a little girl?
Joe, we know how tough things were for you back then... It was written all over your face, and I just wish we could have helped you more. BUT...you have done some amazing things - internally AND externally - for which you should be very proud. And now you are going to be the best daddy to your little girl!
Thanks, Robin. You and Mike and your smaller family members were a huge help for me in that time, and I will always be grateful to you for your great friendship (then and now). Hell, you're family. OK, I'll stop.
Thanks for your comments on the baby blog, too. I know that we are not and cannot be ready for everything, but that will be OK, as you said. I look forward to finding out how it all works. We'll be sure to swing through Hogtown with the baby on our next trip down to FL so that you can all meet her!
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