Playing the waiting game

"Awww, the Waiting Game sucks.

Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos." - Homer Simpson

As Tom Petty once sang, "the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ayy-ting is the hardest part." Of course, he is correct. He is always correct. Especially in this case.

I am still waiting to hear from The University. I called today and touched base with the chair of the search committee in an effort to remain in their collective consciousness, and to make certain that they understand that I am still interested in the position. The Search Chair is a very kind guy, and he simply told me that he can't say anything until next week, when the person who runs the dept returns from vacation. I choose to take this as a good sign, as I think that they would tell me if they were no longer interested.

It's time to "chillax," though (as "the kids" around here say), and play it cool. I've done what I can now, and I will just wait... somewhat patiently... until I hear a yay or nay.

Back to life. Back to reality.

Well, I am back safely in Chicagoland. The interview went quite well, and I have been told that I am "a very strong candidate for the position." I'll keep you posted.

Busy bee

I have been incredibly busy lately managing travel with K, work on a couple of manuscripts, childbirth classes, taking care of the house, and preparing for my day-long interview tomorrow in Wisconsin (for the assistant prof position that I mentioned before). I am a little stressed about the interview, but I know that I have spent a lot of time preparing, and that I will be able to remain composed throughout while providing good answers and asking good questions. I am spending the night there tonight, so I will leave the lab soon to go home and pack for my journey. I'll be sure to let everyone know when something becomes official (either an official yes or... not).

Changes drive life

DANGER: RISKY POST AHEAD

Christy inspired me to write a bit about myself and reflect on how I am different from when she knew me well.

LGHS and Undergrad:

My late teens and early twenties were much the same, so I will discuss them together. I was, of course, raised in rural Polk County, FL. There, I learned that the world was in black and white. Absolutes prevail. Right? I sure thought so. I was confident in what I believed would save me from my evil self. Since my childhood and adolescence was pretty... dark (I suppose), thanks to the death of my mother and other family and social challenges, I really counted on my strict religion and "faith" (actually, most of it was dogmatic legalism) to find my self worth and elevate myself above others. This pattern of external validation continued for a long time, including into my Florida marriage (which began when I was 23).

After that:

Around 24 or 25, while I was in grad school working on my MS, my inability to use my will to control what happened in my life became more and more evident. I flailed madly, trying desperately to make things work on many levels; trying to be a good husband, grad student, "christian man," etc. I put a huge amount of pressure on myself (and had some help from a lot of other people) to keep everything going "the way it should." That didn't work for very long.

The Break:

In 2002, I experienced a pretty big life crisis, I guess. In the course of a year or so, I had to accept a lot of things about me and my marriage and religion and my family and... The list continues. I faced what had been building my entire life. I broke under the weight of it all. I punished myself for letting me down. It was ugly. Things had to change if I was going to be healthy.

Rebuilding:

After the break, I entered a healing period, during which my then-wife and I faced the facts and decided to go our own ways (we had already done it emotionally years before that). During my "rebuilding" bachelor phase, I finished my PhD and moved to Chicago, where I continued to rebuild and bach for a couple of years, gaining strength and self confidence (thanks to therapy). I suppose it was also a time of "de-programming" and learning to live outside of the dysfunction I had created in concert with my religious and social background. Learning to be healthy again. It took.

Now:

About a year ago, I got married to a wonderful woman from the Chicago area. She gets me. It's Ok that I'm who I am. I am much more world wise and much less willing to try to force things to go the way that I (or anyone else) thinks that they should. I do what I think is right, and I live ethically. I enjoy my work in Neuroscience, and I hope to have a career as tenure-track faculty somewhere. I will be a father very very soon (which is very exciting!). This will change things, too, and I welcome it, even though I used to fear change.

In the last few years, I have begun to feel that I have a new chance to live my life. I try to live day to day, without imposing too many plans for the future (aside from planning for retirement and whatnot). As far as religion: well, I am certainly not a christian (Kathy, my wife, is, although her Lutheranism is quite different from what I had constructed as Christianity, which was a fusion of Southern Baptist, AOG, Non-denom Megachurch-ism, Methodism, and who knows what else). God? I don't think that there is one (for many many reasons), but I certainly can't be positive, which makes me an agnostic. I love to read Buddhist and Taoist texts and I practice Zen meditation, although I am not a strict adherent of Zen (I like beer). In short, I take care of my mind, body, and spirit in ways that work for me. I am most interested in persuing social justice, equality, and personal health.

I am very excited about my future. Things are going very well for me, and, most importantly, I am much much more healthy in every way. I will see where this journey takes me, and I will enjoy the things that I think are important without trying to force things. I am already living this way, although I still face struggles from time to time when "old Joe" shows up. Those times are becoming fewer, though.

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Well there it is. I have avoided divulging this information for a while because I wasn't sure whether I would be accepted. I have finally conquered that small fear, though, and I am willing to just be who I am despite the risks.